Life and mental health and mental illness

Mental health has been something I've been trying to be more cognizant of recently.

Last month, on October 1st at 8:30pm, I tried to take my life. I took half a bottle of ibuprofen, about 200-300 pills at 200mg each. My mother found me unconscious on the floor of my condo shortly after I had passed out. I ended up being in an ICU for 6 days and then committed to an adult psych ward afterwards for 5 more days. I was released on October 12th.

I don't have a history of depression or suicidal thoughts. I don't have a history of mental illness in general. My attempt came from a sudden feeling of hopelessness and a sense of a loss of control in my life that all hit me in the span of a week from events outside of my control. I'm still dealing with the loss of control in my life, and will be for the foreseeable future due to extenuating circumstances. In the meantime I'm on paid administrative leave while things are being sorted out, and I've been given the opportunity to work full-time on my project.

I'm writing this because I never thought I would have the capability to go through with the actions I took one month ago. Mental health is important, taking care of yourself is important. Whether it's burnout, depression, facing difficult life circumstances, anything -- please take care of yourself. There's a lot of shame and stigma when it comes to publicly discussing the mental illnesses people struggle with internally, and it shouldn't have to be that way.

This is a talk I watched earlier tonight, it's by Greg Baugues on being a developer dealing with depression and other mental illnesses. Greg goes into his experience dealing with type II bi-polar and ADD, his journey to being diagnosed, the medications he takes, and the people that support him. I recommend it if you're struggling too.


  1. 5

    Thanks for the video! I will watch it now. I've tried to take my life once 17 years ago, and I've promised to never let myself reach that stage again, I would do anything to avoid situations making me that miserable. That means I do lots of running away from things, but that's Ok. I always struggled with depression and anxiety but the past 12 months were the first time since then where I struggled to keep that promise... Things are starting to take a better turn now, it's always good to push it through. I'm really glad you're still here, thanks again for the video and thanks for sharing. Take good care of yourself ❣️

  2. 3

    Thanks for sharing this. Makes me feel like I'm not as alone as I might think I am. As somebody who has been to some pretty deep & dark places recently. Have a nice day! 😊

  3. 2

    Thanks Vincent for sharing, agree with you. I lost a family member to suicide, and it almost made me do the same. I struggled for a long time, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I felt tremendous guilt. What's helped me to keep pushing forward is knowing that this is my only life and to live it fully and with good people. If you ever want to connect, let me know. Hang tight, stay well.

  4. 2

    Thank you for sharing, it can't be easy. ❤️

  5. 2

    Thanks for sharing.

    Personally I've found that even the simplest methods of regaining sense of control in trivial things can help in circumstances you described.

    You know, things like cleaning up the apartment, or working out with a routine, getting some productive time into projects etc. I think this is one of the reasons why everyone rushed out to buy toilet paper with the pandemic, to have at least some sense of control and preparation.

    If suffering from depression or burnout these things become much more difficult and maybe that's the time also be merciful to oneself, I mean, we're not really here to be perfect and 120% productive all time anyway.

    Good luck with the project and take care for now!

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